Bow down Mister!
I wasn't satisfied being a humble servant of the Vaishnava community. Instead, I became a person of distinction and defined myself externally, by dress and social status, as a person who has achieved a higher state of consciousness than others around me.
Rather than let relationships develop naturally from respect to affection to love, I superimposed a cultural paradigm upon my dealings with others and expected them to reciprocate by unquestionably showing me the respect due God Himself. If someone didn't participate, by receiving my mercy, I labeled them as proud, envious and unsuitable for carrying the siddhanta.
Gradually, I forgot my original innocent and genuine attraction to Krishna and his beautiful devotees. Now I live my life through a projection of what I actually want to be and how I want to be seen. Instead of being governed by love, I chose to be governed by fear. You see, I've gone so far down this path of deception that I can't bear the pain that an honest self-appraisal would reveal. I'm trapped in a situation where my heart is far from the actual life I live.
Can you help me?